Debased

Among all of the other fun Canada Day activities (laying on the couch watching TSN, fireworks, BBQs, free concerts, etc.), the Order of Canada's recipients are named. As it turns out, some people have issue with the Order of Canada's selections for this year. Namely, the always loving Roman Catholic Archbishop of Toronto. While I've never heard of this guy, and I'm sure this is the last time we'll have to hear from him (you know, until the next Catholic priests-and-little boys scandal), he's decided he knows more about what's important in Canada than anyone else. He says Canada's highest honour has been debased by having been awarded to Dr. Harvey Morgentaler. Now this is in no way intended to be a God-bashing rant, or church-bashing rant, or even an anti-religion rant. I know many beautiful, wonderful people from all sorts of backgrounds and belief structures, and it's one of the best things about living in Canada. But there are times when the Catholic church just takes things too far (10 commandments of driving, anyone?), and this is one of those times. One of this year's recipients, Dr. Henry Morgentaler, is a man I don't know much about him either. But Wikipedia tells me he's Polish, survived the Holocaust, and was a medical practitioner in Montreal. I've seen some pretty baseless things in Montreal, but surely he must have been rather evil for the Catholic church to come at him. Maybe it's this: he's performed abortions and fought for a woman's right to choose in Canada for more than 50 years. There are few things in this country, or any other country in the world quite as controversial as abortions. But if I may climb atop my soapbox for a moment, I believe Jay said it best in Dogma when he said "A woman's body's her own fuckin' business." So what did the good doctor get for 50 years of fighting for equality and individual freedom? Several trips in front of the Supreme Court and a life of legal battles, attacked with garden shears, and a bombing in one of his clinics. And the admiration and thanks of countless women in this country. And now, the Order of Canada. As soon as Catholic priests can keep their pants on in the rectory, they can have a say again when it comes to right and wrong. For now, let's leave right and wrong in the hands of people trying to make sure freedom always has a place in this world.

Good news

Mosquitos will not kill you. Well, not yet at least. According to a spokesman from Alberta Health and Wellness, the killer mosquitos, the ones carrying West Nile, malaria, and untold millions of other lethal infections, don't come out until later in the season. So in the spring time, don't waste your time, effort, or $8 on mosquito repellent. The bites are still annoying, but they're not lethal. As with every other public=health scare, most average, healthy children and adults run almost no risk of falling seriously ill. The elderly are the most susceptible, as are those with compromised immune systems, those with a history of organ transplants, and diabetics. So by all means, if you've had a myriad of organ transplants, grab one of these from your local Canadian Tire. For the rest of us, can we please calm down? Elsewhere: the Hamilton Tiger-Cats won their first pre-season game tonight. It may end up being the high-water mark of the 2008 season, so please allow me a moment to enjoy it.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (Or, Welcome to the new blog)

Well, there’s only one way to kick this new blog off right: ol’ fashioned fear mongering!

This week’s government-sanctioned reason to run for the hills: tomatoes. That’s right, you say tomato, I say tomahto, The Simpsons say tomacco, and the United State Food and Drug Administration says little red ball of death (or at least little red ball of diarrhea, fever, vomiting or abdominal pain).

The FDA is trying their best to determine the source of the killer tomatoes, but they are fairly certain laid-back Canada and the Netherlands are not the source. Israel, where I’d never have guessed tomatoes grow, is also not considered among the suspects. Colonel Mustard, Guatemala and the Dominican Republic, as well as a hanful of US states also have strong alibis.

So why oh why has my local Wendy’s stopped serving tomatoes on their sandwiches? Have you ever had a Classic Single without tomato? It’s disgusting. Not to be out-done, the Tim Hortons closest to my office has also fallen in line, reducing their ham and Swiss sandwich to a half-pound of balled ham, dry processed Swiss cheese, listless lettuce and a wonderful ranch dressing. Now, a sandwich’s thirst-quenching abilities is the last thing on my mind when I order one, that’s what rum and Gatorade is for, but surely a sandwich need not be as dry as a bag of cement.

Furthermore, if the FDA is so worried about foods that can cause diarrhea, vomiting or abdominal pain, why the hell are places like McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Taco Bell allowed to operate? Yeah, that was an obvious joke, what of it?

The guilty parties are red plum tomatoes, red round tomatoes (maybe I’m over-simplifying, but aren’t all tomatoes red and round?), and in a fantastic twist of fate, red Roma tomatoes. According to the Internet, Roma tomatoes were engineered to be a firmer, more disease-resistant tomato.

So what to make of all this? Damned if I know, but know this: the killer tomatoes are not Canadian. Additionally, executives from Blockbuster and Netflix were not available to comment on the sudden increase in rentals of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

If your tomato was grown in Canada, it’s fine. If Wendy’s or Tim Hortons or Taco Bell or heaven-help-you Burger King, or your own damn mother won’t give you a Canadian tomato, they’re just trying to deny you some joy (or get a head start on their Grey Cup chili).

Frankly, I’m much more worried about the strangulation danger these blinds may pose.

Lastly, anyone interested in seeing the best photo caption associated with the salmonella warning should look here.

Image stolen from here.