Loudest DVD review

So my cable’s been screwed for weeks. But that’s not what this is about. See, that’s just how I lead into the way this here entry came about. See while my cable’s been screwed, it seems the only times I’ve been able to see a clear picture or enjoy clear audio are the times an ad for this Smart People movie shows up. So I think about it. I figure, I like Dennis Quaid. He was brilliant as the oaf president in American Dreamz; his brother was brilliant in Independence Day; and uh... well his film resume isn’t littered with offensive crap. Thomas Haden Church was good in Ned and Stacey, and while I’m not certain he’s appeared in anything since, he’s also on that inoffensive list. And they’re both pretty funny. So if nothing else, we’re looking at serious potential for high comedy. I even overlooked two critical facts. First, since Ellen Page is on the movie, I would look like one of those creepy, dirty old men that like women that look like 11-year old boys. And second, the creepiest and most overbearingly unattractive person in all of Hollywood, Sarah Jessica Parker, would be “gracing” my tv screen, and haunting my dreams. Seriously, if this woman were cursorily attractive, men would have watched Sex & the City. But I digress. Again, despite the impending nightmares, and potential to be locked up like I have the nude Miley Cyrus photos, I gave the movie a try. About 20 minutes in, Ellen Page takes her dead mother’s clothes to the local Goodwill without her dad’s knowledge. The next scene we see is Dennis Quaid buying back all of his dead wife’s clothes. Amazingly, that’s not even the saddest part of this movie. It actually gets worse. And more grating. And so full of bad indie music that’s trying to sound like The Pretenders, just to avoid using a song anyone’s ever heard. And somewhere in all this jailbait, bad music, and horse-faced romance, we’re supposed to believe this insufferable prick played by Quaid—the kind of asshole that writes a book called You Can’t Read—transforms into this loving, caring, cuddly and happy guy. Wow. Pretentious doesn’t even begin to describe this piece of crap. Avoid this movie at all costs.

Bigfoot exists

Friday morning I got to work in time to find the most amazing link ever had made its way to my inbox.

It was a link to a CNN article (again, CNN, not The Onion) about a pair of guys from some backwoods town that claimed to have found... BIGFOOT!

And not just THE Bigfoot, but a whole family/herd of Bigfoot-like critters.

The article said these guys were going to hold a press conference to unveil some sort of DNA that was supposed to prove this was the real deal.

I’ll spare the suspense, and I’ll spoil the ending: as always, the Bigfoot discovery turned out to be a hoax. I can only imagine you’re as surprised reading that as I was typing it. ::eyeroll::

But there was a period of 15 minutes or so, while I was forwarding the email to anyone and everyone in the office, that I was actually quite hopeful this was the real thing. You know how that is. At one point, you’ve probably tried really hard to believe something. Like, Jack Black is funny, or the girl/guy in the next cubical desperately wants to have sex with you, or this really is the Maple Leafs year. We all do it.

I’m no psychology expert, but I’m sure one could tell you all the details about these little fantasies that help us make it through the day. So for a very brief period Friday morning, my fantasy was to hope this Bigfoot was real. So when it came crashing down, as expected, I was a little disappointed with the inevitable outcome.

Still no Bigfoot, but hey, maybe next year. I’ll leave you with an actual quote from the San Jose Mercury News, from Matthew Whitton, one of the discoverers: “It seems like there are lot of people in the Bigfoot world who are a little delusional.”

WTF Steve?

Hey all, yeah, I know. I told you there'd be more regular content than the old blog. I say a lot of things. Mostly, though, I went on vacation, and I'm actually still on vacation, and I have no intention of adding any new content until said vacay is over. So maybe I'll have something here Thursday, but more than likely, we're looking at Sunday evening updates from now on. See you in a week. In the meantime, I'm really not sure what this is all about, but it seems like it's worth sharing.

I'll show you indecency

Fantastic news, everyone! Free speech, freedom of nudity, and freedom of Super Bowl halftime shows struck a huge blow to the freedom-crushing, soulless bastards at the FCC. Well, technically, it was a federal appeals court striking these blows, but the source is hardly the point. The point is this: CBS is no longer being fined more than a half-million dollars for Janet Jackson's infamous "wardrobe malfunction." While it seems like that phrase has been in our hearts and minds forever, it's actually only been around since 2004, which, in case you're counting along at home, means this fine has been tied up in a variety of appeals and courts for more than four years. Seeing how it takes four years to decide whether or not a giant corporation should shell out $500, 000 (which is typically less than the price of a minute of ad time during said halftime show), maybe 48 years to have a wrongful murder conviction overturned doesn't seem so long. And a 20-plus-year investigation into the Air India disaster certainly seems warranted. Good God, what have the Canadian and American legal systems come to? From where I sit, they appear to be nothing but a mockery of justice.

Take that you stupid bitch

Amazingly, that title is not directed toward any of my exes, currents, or potentials-that-spurned-me. Nope, that's all for Grey's Anatomy star Katherine Heigl. As reported oh-so long ago by the great WWTDD, this snotty little bitch refused to defend her reign over whatever hunk of plastic they give away to commemorate the garbage they put on my tv every night, because she felt the material she was working with wasn't up to par this past season. Now I've never watched a whole episode of Grey's, but one need not watch the show to know the old cliche that you don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Hands up: who out there knew Heigl before her turn on Grey's? This chick had a run of made-for-TV movies more impressive than your the average hitting streak. She went seven out of eight-- including the made-for-TV sequel to Romy & Michele's High School Reunion. That's damn impressive. She lands a part on a seemingly strong show, wins a hunk of plastic, ruins an otherwise enjoyable Judd Apatow movie, gets plastered all over dorm-room walls, and is suddenly too good for the show that made her famous. Amazing. Well the folks over at Grey's have never been known to put up with this kind of crap from the show's stars (see Washington, Isaiah). And it turns out Heigl's no exception. Rumour today is that the Grey's folks are going to kill her off next season. Well done, and hats off to you Grey's. You made her, not the other way 'round. P.S. Memo to Major League Baseball, Young children love the Home Run Derby. I understand the allure of prime time, but 9 p.m. ET is too late for this event to start. Parents don't let seven- and eight-year olds stay up that late-- even if it is summer holidays.

Debased

Among all of the other fun Canada Day activities (laying on the couch watching TSN, fireworks, BBQs, free concerts, etc.), the Order of Canada's recipients are named. As it turns out, some people have issue with the Order of Canada's selections for this year. Namely, the always loving Roman Catholic Archbishop of Toronto. While I've never heard of this guy, and I'm sure this is the last time we'll have to hear from him (you know, until the next Catholic priests-and-little boys scandal), he's decided he knows more about what's important in Canada than anyone else. He says Canada's highest honour has been debased by having been awarded to Dr. Harvey Morgentaler. Now this is in no way intended to be a God-bashing rant, or church-bashing rant, or even an anti-religion rant. I know many beautiful, wonderful people from all sorts of backgrounds and belief structures, and it's one of the best things about living in Canada. But there are times when the Catholic church just takes things too far (10 commandments of driving, anyone?), and this is one of those times. One of this year's recipients, Dr. Henry Morgentaler, is a man I don't know much about him either. But Wikipedia tells me he's Polish, survived the Holocaust, and was a medical practitioner in Montreal. I've seen some pretty baseless things in Montreal, but surely he must have been rather evil for the Catholic church to come at him. Maybe it's this: he's performed abortions and fought for a woman's right to choose in Canada for more than 50 years. There are few things in this country, or any other country in the world quite as controversial as abortions. But if I may climb atop my soapbox for a moment, I believe Jay said it best in Dogma when he said "A woman's body's her own fuckin' business." So what did the good doctor get for 50 years of fighting for equality and individual freedom? Several trips in front of the Supreme Court and a life of legal battles, attacked with garden shears, and a bombing in one of his clinics. And the admiration and thanks of countless women in this country. And now, the Order of Canada. As soon as Catholic priests can keep their pants on in the rectory, they can have a say again when it comes to right and wrong. For now, let's leave right and wrong in the hands of people trying to make sure freedom always has a place in this world.

Free agent day

11:24 am

Let’s start free agent day by catching up on this week’s trades leading up to free agency.

The Pittsburgh Penguins and Tampa Bay Lightning kicked things off with a trade involving Ryan Malone and Gary Roberts. The Bolts sent a draft pick to Pittsburgh in exchange for negotiation rights, and quickly got both forwards re-signed. Everyone saw the kind of rugged, hard-nosed play these two characters bring during the Pens run to the Stanley Cup Final, and they should help turn around a talented but direction-less Lightning squad.

Just two weeks ago on draft day I was very critical of the Bolts, but new ownership is making all the right moves right off the bat. This team should be able to get things turned around very quickly. In addition to Malone and Roberts, the Bolts also acquired the rights to negotiate with Brian Rolston from Minnesota. Though they were unable to come to terms with the former Wild captain, it was another very strong move that would have taken the leadership in the room to a whole new level.

Suddenly I find myself wondering what the hell the Penguins are trying to do.

Heading west, the Edmonton Oilers started to shake things up, trading Jarret Stoll and tough-as-nails defenseman Matt Greene to the Los Angeles Kings in exchange for Lubomir Visnovsky. I don’t much like this deal from the Edmonton perspective. Stoll is a good leader and good penalty killer, Greene is a developing defenseman with lots of upside, both with do very well with the Kings. As for Visnovsky, he is a pretty skilled defenseman, but he isn’t much of an upgrade over Joni Pitkanen. I’m not certain this deal makes the Oilers better.

The Oilers made two other deals while we were all napping, sending Pitkanen to Carolina in exchange for Erik Cole, and sending Raffi Torres to Columbus for Gilbert Brule. The Hurricanes seemingly wouldn’t know what to do with a puck-moving defenseman since I don’t remember the last time they had one, but Pitkanen should help them out. Going the other way, Cole is very Torres-like, but has shown more offensive ability in the past. If Cole can shake the injury problems that have dogged him since the lockout, he could become a force for the Oilers. Brule is a bit of an enigma. He has all the talent anyone could ask for, but the Jackets may have mis-handled him, and a fresh start could be what he needs. As for Torres, he’ll bring some much needed sandpaper to the Jackets.

If nothing else, the new-look Oilers will be interesting to watch next season.

11:49 am

Thankfully, the early part of the day is usually pretty tame. So far, we've seen Radim Vrbata leave the board, signing a three-year, $9 million deal with Tampa Bay and forcing me to amend my previous statement about the Bolts making all the right moves. If Vrbata reaches his offensive potential in the next three seasons, the deal becomes a steal. If he doesn't, it's not a back-breaker, but it's money that could have been used elsewhere.

Boston signed Blake Wheeler to an entry-level deal. If you're asking who Wheeler is, you're not alone. Wheeler was Phoenix's first-round selection at the 2004 draft, fifth overall. The Coyotes went way off the board to take the high schooler, who they were unable to sign. The big forward has loads of talent, but he's not expected to be NHL-ready any time this season.

After spending a half season in Calgary, Curtis Joseph is heading back to Toronto, which should make exactly four Maple Leafs fans happy. Joseph's very messy and very public split with the Leafs before the 2002-03 season was well documented, and it should be interesting to see what kind of reception he gets upon his return.

Staying with the Leafs, after putting Kyle Wellwood on waivers last week, Wellwood was picked up by the Vancouver Canucks, and has accepted a qualifying offer for this upcoming season. Wellwood is a strong penalty killer, and a very good faceoff man. The Canucks should be please with him.

12:06 pm

Marek Zidlicky's time in the Music City has come to an end. The Preds shipped the puck-moving defenseman to Minnesota for a pick and a prospect. Zidlicky was the Predators top scoring blue liner two of the last four seasons, and should help to boost the Wild's power play.

12:10 pm

Not finished, the Wild have signed Andrew Brunette. Terms of the deal weren't immediately available. Brunette played with the Wild from 2001 to 2004, scoring the series-winning goal to send them to the 2003 Western Conference Final. Brunette has flourished in three seasons in Colorado since then, and should bring some extra offense this time around in Minnesota.

12:34 pm

In less time than it took for me to make and eat a sandwich, the Canucks did something questionable. Sportsnet is reporting the Canucks have offered a two-year, $20 million deal to Mats Sundin. Thanks for pricing every other team out, jerks.

1:12 pm

After trading for Olli Jokinen at the draft, the Coyotes continue to rebuild by signing stud defenseman Kurt Sauer to a four-year deal. Sauer is a solid fourth defender that won't rack up big points, but he hits, blocks shots, and is the kind of guy it's hard to win without. The Yotes still need some depth on the blue line, but are putting together a very strong core.

In an odd twist, the Washington Capitals have signed Jose Theodore to a two-year deal with $9 million. Should the Caps also re-sign Cristobal Huet, the pair would team up again as they did in Montreal in 2005-06. Smart money, though, says Huet will be allowed to sign elsewhere. Theodore started to round back into form in Colorado, but is still nowhere near the Hart Trophy level of 2001-02. It's a bold move by the Caps, but they still need to draft a develop a goalie some day.

Not to be outdone, Theodore's former employer, the Colorado Avalanche have signed former Maple Leaf Andrew Raycroft. He is coming off an absolutely abysmal season in Toronto, but is just one season removed from setting a Maple Leafs record with 37 wins in 2006-07. With expectations at an all-time low, Raycroft can't be any worse in Colorado than he was in Toronto.

1:24 pm

Recapping small trades from earlier, Rene Bourque to Calgary and Denis Gauthier to LA.

Detroit signs Ty Conklin. "Can't beat 'em, join 'em" was apparently Conklin's thought process there. Conklin had a spectacular run last season with Pittsburgh before relinquishing the starting job to incumbent Marc-Andre Fleury for the post-season run. One more piece of Pittsburgh's puzzle has flown the coop, while Detroit picks up a rock-solid backup goalie that has shown he can carry a team if necessary.

Tough guy Todd Fedoruk goes to Phoenix.

1:30 pm

Let the Finger Era begin in Toronto. The Leafs signed Jeff Finger to a very reasonable (snicker) four-year deal worth $3.5 millian a year (snicker). Finger is a steady young defenseman, but I can't help but wonder how 24 points in 94 NHL games is worth $14 million. Well done, Cliff.

1:44 pm

Tampa Bay continues to rebuild in the Penguins' image, signing Adam Hall to a dirt-cheap three-year, $1.8 million deal. I love this signing. There's nothing quite like basically taking the defending conference champion's third line.

1:54 pm

Tough guys Eric Godard and Aaron Voros sign with Pittsburgh and the Rangers, respectively. Corey Stillman heads back to the Southeast division signing with Florida-- not too sure what the Panthers see in Stillman. He's well past his prime. And the Chicago Blackhawks made their firt foray into the market signing Cristobal Huet. No terms available just yet, but here's hoping they were a little more reserved with the Huet signing than the ill-fated Nik Khabibulin signing before the lockout. Huet worked wonders with the young defenses he played behind in Montreal and Washington, and he should be a big-time steadying influence in Chicago. He's an almost perfect fit for the Hawks.

2:23 pm

I've been waiting a long time for this: Darcy Tucker is no longer a Maple Leaf! Tucker to Colorado for a fairly reasonable $4.5 million over two years. This is a guy that's approached 30 goals several times, is hard-as-nails in the corners, works magic on the power play (mostly by banging home garbage goals), and is an absolute terror to play against. We've had our run-ins in the past, but basically all of my loathing for Tucker stemmed from the jersey he wore. Fans in Denver are going to love this guy.

Olaf Kolzig is off to Tampa Bay for one year. I like this move. They're getting him on the cheap ($1.5 million plus bonuses), and he'll help lessen the load for Mike Smith, who's never played a full season. Another great move by the Bolts.

2:35 pm

Don't call it an upgrade. Alex Auld to Ottawa. Auld has been a fine goalie everywhere he's been, but he's never been able to take the next step and become a true number one. I don't see any way Auld is the guy to give Ottawa a Stanley Cup parade.

3:33 pm

Patrick Lalime: still in the National Hockey League. Two years, $2 million, Buffalo.

3:48 pm

TSN is reporting Brian Campbell to Chicago is a done deal for eight years, $7.1 million a year. The move puts the Hawks over the cap, and Campbell rounds out a very strong young defense corps that includes Cam Barker, Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook and James Wisniewski all 25 and under, and a Brent Sopel leading the way phyisically. Again, Huet is probably the perfect goalie for this team, and Campbell is perfect for the power play, giving Barker and Seabrook some time and room to develop their defensive skills. That they're over the cap is of concern, and makes the Windy City a place to keep an eye on for the next few days.

4:16 pm

Reporting the Jeff Finger deal, Cory Woron from TSN's Sportscentre could barely contain his laughter. I'm with Pierre McGuire on the Mike Commodore deal. Five years and $18-plus million is just ridiculous. This guy had one good year BEFORE the lockout. Ossi Vaananen: still in the NHL. Philadelphia locks Vaananen up for one year and $1 million.

TSN is also reporting Brian Rolston is about to sign in New Jersey for $20 million over four years. I have to say here, Rolston is number one on my board. Of all the guys already signed, he's the one that can make the most impact with his new club. He's scored at least 19 goals in each of the last seven seasons, including four seasons of 31 goals or more.

4:56 pm

In the ho-hum category we have Patrick Rissmiller to the Rangers, Glen Metropolit to Philadelphia and Darcy Hordichuk to Vancouver.

The Maple Leafs have added forward Niklas Hagman to the fold, paying him just slightly less than they'll pay Jeff Finger: $12 million. Hagman's at least got a few years' experience, having played 481 NHL games, but to suggest his 80 goals in that time is worth $3 million a year is ridiculous. Way to go, Cliff.

The Rangers have signed Michael Rozsival to a four-year deal worth $20 million. Roazsival was one of the top defensemen available, and the Rangers need to be ecstatic to be keeping him in the fold.

5:05 pm

Per Facebook, my buddy Darell is reporting the Oilers have signed Marian Hossa.

5:26 pm

Bobby Holik signs a one-year deal to go back to New Jersey. Frankly, he should never have left. Holik is well past his prime now, but he's still a great leader and can put up serviceable offensive numbers. He'll be welcomed back into the swamp with open arms and does make the Devils a better club.

5:40 pm

Six years and $39 million for Wade Redden from the Rangers. OMFG! Redden's skills have been slipping very quickly in the last couple of years, to the point the Ottawa Senators had been trying like hell to move him in a trade. Terrible deal for the Rangers. Six months from now, they will be kicking themselves for this move.