Musings from the world of sport

That didn't take very long... First things first, I need to address this: That was mortifying, and Lord Stanley of Preston is surely spinning in his grave. If the 10 years between lockouts wasn't enough proof NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman needs to be fired, that video is. That said, there's a guy that came out of the audience wearing a Gerard Gallant jersey, and that lends this spot some credibility. Gallant amassed 1603 penalty minutes playing in 563 games for the Detroit Red Wings between 1984 and 1993 (plus an extra 178 PIM in 58 playoff games), earning a reputation as one of the league's premiere hard-asses. And, in news that would make the heaviest science fiction heavyweights proud, the World Anti-Doping Association (headed by one of the world's premiere douche bags, the hilariously-named Dick Pound) has announced they intend to stay in front of any attempts by athletes to use genetic doping as a way to enhance their performances at international competition. I won't even try to explain it, but gene doping sure sounds like it beats the hell out of old-fashioned, tried-and-true methods like steroids, greenies (amphetamines routinely used by baseball players in the past), blood doping and over-the-counter medicine. Dear WADA: try using the two sports-free days of the year to announce your ridiculous plans and to throw around baseless accusations. Before you assholes reared your ugly mugs, the month of June was quite pleased to roll along with dreams of a horse-racing triple crown winner, Tiger's assault on golf's majors, a spectacular Stanley Cup Final that showed off the best hockey since the 2002 Olympics, a dream NBA Finals match-up between Boston and Los Angeles, Manny Ramirez joining baseball's 500 home run club and Ken Griffey Jr becoming just the sixth member of the 600 home run club, and a little thing called Euro 2008. Sure, there's a lot of bad in the sports world (Cedric Benson, Tim Donaghy, and the above clip from Leno), but most sports fans couldn't care less about the bad things. We turn to sports for entertainment, and if the morons that watched the debut of Celebrity Circus, or The Hills or Big Brother are allowed to ignore the bad, we sports fans should also be allowed some ignorance. Because in the end, scandals come and go, and serve as footnotes for decades, but over time, all 16, 003 people that saw Griffey's home run Monday night will tell the tale again and again. Just the way moments like The Shot Heard 'Round the World, Paul Henderson's goal, Bobby Orr's goal, Dwight Clark's The Catch, Wiliey Mays' The Catch, Joe Carter and Bill Mazeroski, and even Babe Ruth's Called Shot which has never been proven to have happened, all live on from generation to generation, proving simultaneously that dreams can come true, and the impossible is possible. Lastly, for what it's worth, The Hockey Theme is just a song. Anyone that watched Hockey Night in Canada for the song, and not the hockey should probably be shot.

SLOAN

Fantastic news, friends! The new Sloan CD is here. Now, I know what you're thinking: since when is Steve a Sloan fan? Since their previous album Never Hear the End of It is when. Anyway, I'll keep it short here. I needed about four seconds of the first track to decide to recommend this album. Ontario friends, they're in Toronto this Thursday night. Alberta friends, we're screwed (of course, they were here a couple weeks ago and were excellent). People reading from elsewhere, check out Sloan's site for tour info. Anywho, Adam left some shepherd's pie on the counter, so I'm going to eat that. Until next time, happy listening. Image thieved from Amazon

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (Or, Welcome to the new blog)

Well, there’s only one way to kick this new blog off right: ol’ fashioned fear mongering!

This week’s government-sanctioned reason to run for the hills: tomatoes. That’s right, you say tomato, I say tomahto, The Simpsons say tomacco, and the United State Food and Drug Administration says little red ball of death (or at least little red ball of diarrhea, fever, vomiting or abdominal pain).

The FDA is trying their best to determine the source of the killer tomatoes, but they are fairly certain laid-back Canada and the Netherlands are not the source. Israel, where I’d never have guessed tomatoes grow, is also not considered among the suspects. Colonel Mustard, Guatemala and the Dominican Republic, as well as a hanful of US states also have strong alibis.

So why oh why has my local Wendy’s stopped serving tomatoes on their sandwiches? Have you ever had a Classic Single without tomato? It’s disgusting. Not to be out-done, the Tim Hortons closest to my office has also fallen in line, reducing their ham and Swiss sandwich to a half-pound of balled ham, dry processed Swiss cheese, listless lettuce and a wonderful ranch dressing. Now, a sandwich’s thirst-quenching abilities is the last thing on my mind when I order one, that’s what rum and Gatorade is for, but surely a sandwich need not be as dry as a bag of cement.

Furthermore, if the FDA is so worried about foods that can cause diarrhea, vomiting or abdominal pain, why the hell are places like McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Taco Bell allowed to operate? Yeah, that was an obvious joke, what of it?

The guilty parties are red plum tomatoes, red round tomatoes (maybe I’m over-simplifying, but aren’t all tomatoes red and round?), and in a fantastic twist of fate, red Roma tomatoes. According to the Internet, Roma tomatoes were engineered to be a firmer, more disease-resistant tomato.

So what to make of all this? Damned if I know, but know this: the killer tomatoes are not Canadian. Additionally, executives from Blockbuster and Netflix were not available to comment on the sudden increase in rentals of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

If your tomato was grown in Canada, it’s fine. If Wendy’s or Tim Hortons or Taco Bell or heaven-help-you Burger King, or your own damn mother won’t give you a Canadian tomato, they’re just trying to deny you some joy (or get a head start on their Grey Cup chili).

Frankly, I’m much more worried about the strangulation danger these blinds may pose.

Lastly, anyone interested in seeing the best photo caption associated with the salmonella warning should look here.

Image stolen from here.