NHL Eastern Conference preview

Let’s face it, most NHL teams aren’t exactly built like Megan Fox. They’ve got flaws, and for all but one team, those flaws will prove fatal. Here now, a look at each team’s Best Asset, Fatal Flaw, and just for fun, a “What if?” category that asks the question that’s on nobody’s mind. The Western Conference ATLANTA THRASHERS Best Asset: Zach Bogosian. Put the C on this kid’s sweater and lock him up with a Vinny Lecavalier-style contract. With the caveat that it’s easy to over-react to brief glimpses of any player, Bogosian is going to be a very good player-- probably a great player. It’s also very east to dismiss the Thrashers’ group of defensemen as scrubs, but Tobias Enstrom had a staggering rookie season, while Garnett Exelby and Niclas Havelid are greatly under-rated. So Bogosian will have help while he develops into the extraordinary player he could be. Fatal Flaw: Pretty much everything other than Bogosian and the other-worldly Ilya Kovalchuk is cause for concern. Ron Hainsey is the team’s highest-paid defenseman, Kari Lehtonen just doesn’t seem to be interested in becoming the goalie he was projected to be, and a rookie out of the Golden Horseshoe Junior B Hockey League that weighs less than my laptop but skates like the wind (Daultan Leveille) could actually be their best option to centre Ilya Kovalchuk, What If the Thrashers had used their first-ever draft pick on Mikhail Donika (last overall, Dallas, zero NHL games) instead of Patrik Stefan (first overall, Atlanta, 732 concussions)? Would they be any worse off? Projected finish: 13th BOSTON BRUINS Best Asset: Overall talent. Nobody is going to confuse these Bruins with the Phil Esposito era, but they have a nice collection of talent up front with Marc Savard and Patrice Bergeron leading the way. Marco Sturm and Chuck Kobasew are still sleeper-type guys that could break out for 60 points at any time. Michael Ryder should easily get back to 30 goals feeding on a diet of Savard’s beautiful passes. Milan Lucic isn’t the second coming of Cam Neeley, but he sure can play game. Phil Kessel, David Krejci and Vladimir Sobotka round out a top nine that could grow into one of the league’s top forward groups. On the blue line, same thing. Zdeno Chara leads this mostly young group of defensemen that will continue to learn on the fly and develop this season. Fatal Flaw: Manny Fernandez. Sorry, Manny, but this is a salary cap world, and your $4.3 million cap hit leaves the Bruins pretty well right up against the ceiling. Fernandez has to go if the Bruins are going to make any kind of additions at the trading deadline. What If Stephane Yelle could skate? He’s one of the best penalty killers in the league, and his hockey IQ is off the charts. His impact can’t be measured with stats. Projected finish: 5th BUFFALO SABRES Best Asset: Derek Roy. Derek Roy. Derek Roy, and just once more for good measure, Derek Roy. He skates, he hits, he scores, he kills penalties, he wins faceoffs. He’s Lou Lamoriello’s wet dream. Seriously, I have no doubt Lou spends nights crying, lamenting having chosen Adrian Foster four picks ahead of Roy in the 2001 Entry Draft. But enough about Lou, Derek Roy enjoyed a break-out season in 2008, and if Tom Vanek and Max Afinogenov can stop playing like assholes, they could help him get to the 100-point plateau. Fatal Flaw: The aforementioned Vanek and Afinogenov have proven enigmatic and inconsistent. The rest of the Sabres’ offense is made up of infirmary regulars (Tim Connolly, Methuselah Teppo Numminen) and the grinder types that you can’t win without, but can’t rely of to get the win. Plus Patrick Kaleta seemed to go out of his way in Rochester to prove to the world that he is, in fact, the world’s biggest sonofabitch. What If the Sabres had been able to retain any of Miro Satan, J-P Dumont, Dan Briere, Chris Drury, Curtis Brown, Jay McKee or Brian Campbell? Projected finish: 11th CAROLINA HURRICANES Best Asset: Speed. The Hurricanes are an extraordinarily-fast team, with mobile defensemen and forwards that understand the defensive side of the game. That speed has helped to provide the Hurricanes with one of the league’s most prolific offences since the lockout. Last season injuries slowed the Hurricanes, and may again this season with Rod Brind’Amour and Justin Williams both sidelined to start the year. Eric Staal quietly had his best season yet in 2008, while Matt Cullen resumed his role in Carolina as though he’d never left. If Sergei Samsonov can continue the unlikely resurgence he enjoyed last season with Carolina, this team will continue to kill with speed. Fatal Flaw: Age. The Canes have some young guns, but their most important players are Brind’Amour (38), Frantisek Kaberle (34), Ray Whitney (36) and Scott Walker (35). This group could carry Carolina to glory for another year or two, but the Canes need to begin to pass the torch. What If the Canadian sports media were willing to admit the Carolina Hurricanes have a pretty special fan base? Sure, they’re a long way from selling out every game, but the fine folks of Carolina have taken a liking to their Canes, and this will be one of the league’s premiere markets within the next decade. Projected finish: 10th FLORIDA PANTHERS Best Asset: It just may be rookie head coach Peter DeBoer. By all accounts, and by having an extended look at the Panthers during their four days in Calgary and Edmonton this week, DeBoer has this team playing up-tempo, in-your-face hockey. That can only mean good things, and not only on the ice, but also at the turnstiles. As a long-time head coach in the Ontario Hockey League, DeBoer knows how to get the most out of young players. He also knows a thing or two about producing top-notch pivots (see Richards, Mike, PHI; Roy, Derek, BUF). The youth movement in Florida seemingly started a decade ago, and DeBoer is absolutely the right coach to finally get this team to reach their potential. Fatal Flaw: DeBoer is the third head coach the Panthers have had in the last four seasons. That kind of inconsistency has undoubtedly hurt the development of the “veteran” players on this roster. Players like Nathan Horton, Stephen Weiss, Jay Bouwmeester and Rostislav Olesz. Unless DeBoer and GM Jacques Martin are on the same page, following the same plan, the Panthers could be facing more of the same. What If the Todd Bertuzzi trade had worked out (as this writer thought it would) for the Panthers? It’s hard to think of a time when a team got fleeced quite as badly as Florida did in that trade, but in the end, maybe they’re better off without Mike Keenan calling the shots (I’m looking at you, Calgary). Projected finish: 12th MONTREAL CANADIENS Best Asset: Very quietly, the Canadiens have put together a lethal offense. Led by the best power play unit in the league last season, the Habs scored the second-most goals last season. And things look good for this team to improve their offensive output this year. Consider: the now-departed Michael Ryder was well below his career-average goals scored, Saku Koivu’s 56 points were way below his norm, Andrei Kostitsyn gave us a taste of things to come while younger brother Sergei chipped in an entirely respectable 27 points in 52 games, with increased power play time Roman Hamrlik should get back to 30 points, and they added Alex Tanguay-- a player that’s averaged nearly a point a game during his career (excluding last season). Fatal Flaw: Inconsistency. This team has shown a lack of focus for dangerously long stretches of time in the three years since the lockout. They couldn’t keep it together in the 2006 playoffs after Koivu got hurt, they couldn’t keep it together in the 2006-07 season and missed the playoffs after one of the worst “do-or-die” performances ever, then they fell apart when RJ Umberger started pumping pucks past Carey Price last spring. I’m calling out Koivu in this regard. The team doesn’t have the leadership to keep it together when the going gets tough (that said, there’s nobody tougher than Saku, which is what make it so strange). What If Patrick Roy had never left town? For one day in November, at least, it will feel that way, when his number 33 is raised to the rafters at the Bell Centre. But seriously, what if he’d never left? Projected Finish: 3rd NEW JERSEY DEVILS Best Asset: Everything old is new again, as Brian Rolston and Bobby Holik return to the swamp. Rolston brings some serious offensive punch to take some of the pressure off Brian Gionta. Holik brings defensive responsibility to help alleviate some of John Madden’s duties. With some new additions helping out in those key roles, look for Zack Parise and Travis Zajac to continue their offensive growth, while aging vets Patrik Elias and Jamie Langenbrunner try to rekindle some of the old magic. On defense, Johnny Oduya will continue his ascension into the ranks of the NHL’s best defensemen, while Paul Martin is already hiding in that group, and Andy Green will be given more responsibility this year. And, of course, Martin Brodeur will play Vezina-calibre hockey. Fatal Flaw: The Devils are counting on a lot of Ifs and creaky backs this season. Holik, Elias, Langenbrunner, these guys aren’t getting any younger, and it’s hard to imagine they can all start scoring in bunches again. What If head coach Brent Sutter is successful in his attempts to open up the Devils’ offense a little bit? If this team pulled a 180, and went Captials-style, they could run and gun with anybody-- even with all the question marks. Projected finish: 6th NEW YORK ISLANDERS Best Asset: The Isles have one of the best PR departments in all of hockey. This team is going to be lousy this season, but they’re saying all the right things, and appear to be making the right kinds of moves. The team has very high hopes for Kyle Okposo, and there’s no reason to believe he can’t reach whatever goals he and the team have set for him. The Mark Streit signing will bolster the power play, but it’s hard to tell if any of Bill Guerin, Doug Weight and Mike Comrie (Oilers fans don’t feel so bad about all those guys leaving town nowadays) can actually still skate fast enough to draw a penalty. The defense, anchored by Brendan Witt and Radek Martinek, and back-stopped by Rick DiPietro, will be sound, and should keep most games close. Fatal Flaw: But in the end, the Islanders will ice a glorified AHL team. Sean Bergenheim projects as a first-line player. Not good. What If the Islanders knew how to keep young players in the fold? Going back to 1997, the Islanders have traded away the following first-round selections: Roberto Luongo, Eric Brewer, Tim Connolly, Taylor Pyatt, Raffi Torres and Robert Nilsson, as well as the pick Ottawa used to select Jason Spezza in 2001, and the rest of the first three rounds of the 2001 draft. And just to really stick their noses in it, the Isles also drafted Wade Redden and Todd Bertuzzi with first-round picks. Projected finish: 15th NEW YORK RANGERS Best Asset: A plan, and a commitment to building through the draft. Fatal Flaw: What’s that? The Rangers have just one of their first-round picks from the last 10 drafts in their lineup? Oh my. Well, so much for building through the draft and being patient. The Rangers went heavy on the free agents last summer, but because it was Scott Gomez and Chris Drury (with a dash of Brendan Shanahan), the moves were seen as savvy and wise. This past summer, not so much. Free agent signings Wade Redden and Markus Naslund are, outside of Glen Sather, the only people that don’t know they’re done. And the trade with Columbus that sent Fedor Tyutin away?? For Nik Zherdev?? Glen Sather, you are the New York Rangers’ fatal flaw. What If the Rangers hadn’t pushed Jaromir Jagr out the door with the Gomez and Drury signings? Maybe Alex Cherepanov comes over from Russia sooner, maybe Brandon Dubinsky and Ryan Callahan are playing meaningful minutes and developing quickly. Maybe this team isn’t headed for a monumental collapse. Projected finish: 9th OTTAWA SENATORS Best Asset: Daniel Alfredsson, and his seemingly endless commitment to this team and their fans. I don’t know where this team is without Alfredsson, but it can’t be pretty. It’s hard to imagine a more anonymous group of forwards than the one that took to the ice in Ottawa last season, but despite that, the Senators were the highest-scoring team in the NHL last season. New head coach Craig Hartsburg has used the pre-season as an opportunity to see what the offense looks like when the Alfredsson-Jason Spezza-Dany Heatley line is broken up, but it’s hard to imagine the likes of Jarkko Ruutu, Josh Hennessy or Jessie Winchester leading this team back to the top offensive spot. Fatal Flaw: The back end. The Senators may be the most successful team ever to ignore the “build from the net out” axiom, and they’ll take their chances again this year with Martin Gerber in goal, and a defense corps riddled with holes after the top pairing of Chris Phillips and Anton Volchenkov. The Senators botched the Andrej Meszaros situation, newcomer Jason Smith is well past his prime, but remains an excellent leader. Brian Lee is a highly-touted prospect, but unproven, and Christoph Schubert has spent most of the last two seasons at forward. This could get messy. What If Jason Spezza can stay healthy and motivated for a whole season? I’ve been saying it for years, and once again, this could be Spezza’s Art Ross year. Projected finish: 8th PHILADELPHIA FLYERS Best Asset: Leadership. In the early stages of last season, the Flyers faced a number of long suspensions, and coming off a year in which they won just 22 and finished dead last, that kind of disruption could have easily derailed the 2007-08 campaign. But the Flyers kept it together, led by Mike Richards in just about every imaginable way. The Flyers handled talk of a goaltending controversy, a possible coaching change, and injuries with ease, en route to a 39-point improvement and a trip to the Eastern Conference Final. The Flyers remain mostly unchanged heading into the new season, and they’ll face great expectations. Fatal Flaw: The defense corps remains painfully immobile, but amazingly effective. Thanks to a performance for the ages from RJ Umberger, the Flyers were able to get past a speedy Montreal team in the playoffs, but were no match for the Penguins in the East Final. Bringing in Ossi Vaananen, and giving youngsters Ryan Parent and Braydon Coburn will help, but these guys are hardly Norris Trophy winners. What If Simon Gagne is at full capacity this season, after missing almost all of last season with a concussion? This team should be very, very dangerous this season. Projected finish: 1st PITTSBURGH PENGUINS Best Asset: The Penguins have a player named Sidney Crosby who may have big things in store. In all seriousness, the Penguins have at least as much top-end talent in Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Sergei Gonchar and Marc-Andre Fleury as any team in the league. It’s everything after those four players that leaves one wondering. Fatal Flaw: Miro Satan, Ruslan Fedotenko, Pascal Dupuis, these are fine hockey players, but it will be interesting to see if they can give Crosby and Malkin extra time and space in which to operate. Further, there’s no guarantee they’ll be adequate beneficiaries of Crosby and Malkin’s considerable talents. The Pens will start the year without Gonchar and Ryan Whitney, both because of injury, and I don’t much care that this team played in the Stanley Cup Final last season when they’ll start this season with Mark Eaton, Brooks Orpik, Hal Gill and Kris Letang as their top four defensemen. With a healthy Gonchar and Whitney, this team could get back to the Final, but the should expect a slow start. What If the Penguins stumble out of the gate? They’ll play 10 of their first 16 games against teams that made the playoffs last season without their top two defensemen. Even if Gonchar is back inside of six weeks, Whitney will be longer, and this team could find itself well behind the eight-ball by the All-Star break. Projected finish: 4th TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING Best Asset: Firepower is this season’s buzz word in Tampa. The Bolts enter the season with Martin St-Louis and Vincent Lecavalier still firing on all cylinders, with Vaclav Prospal, Radim Vrbata and Ryan Malone to supply strong secondary offense, and 2008 first overall pick Steven Stamkos looking to make his mark. Gary Roberts has been added from Pittsburgh as well to bring veteran leadership and grit-- and to sit at the dressing room stall next to Stamkos’. The Bolts’ offense ranked 16th in the league last season, and is sure to improve. Fatal Flaw: I like Paul Ranger, I really do. I think he’s a smart young defenseman, and some day, he’s going to be very good. But I’m not sure he’s ready to lead this group to success. He played well at times, and struggled at times, playing 25 minutes a game last season, and it’s hard to think more minutes, surrounded by a younger, more inexperienced group, will help his development. What If the defense can minimize the number of second chances their opposition gets, and what if they can keep most scoring chances to the outside? Mike Smith is good enough to keep this team in most games if the defense can hold at all. Projected finish: 7th TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS Best Asset: Vesa Toskala won 33 games for the Leafs last season, backstopping an atrocious team. It’s hard to imagine a scenario in which the Leafs win 36 games again this season, but no matter how few or many they win, Toskala will be the primary reason almost every time. Fatal Flaw: Nothing against Nik Antropov personally, but this guy is not your prototypical first-line centre. He’s barely a second-line centre. The Leafs just don’t have a lot of talent, and every game they play this season will be a testament to that fact. That’s not to say new head coach Ron Wilson won’t have this team working hard every night, but hard work doesn’t make up for the fact they’ll be facing the likes of Marc Savard, Patrice Bergeron, Derek Roy, Tom Vanek, Jason Spezza, Dany Heatley and Alex Kovalev in nearly half their games. What If Toskala plays out of his mind, Pavel Kubina and Tomas Kaberle morph into the second coming of Bobby Orr and Larry Robinson, and hell freezes over? Even if all that happened, I still wouldn’t put money on the possibility of the Leafs making the playoffs. Projected finish: 14th WASHINGTON CAPITALS Best Asset: Alex Ovechkin. Everything about him. I love the way this guy plays the game, I love his enthusiasm on the ice, I love the way his team mates rally around him and love him. Ovechkin is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of player, the way he mixes speed, scoring, physical play, and the way he seems to truly treasure every minute he spends on the ice. With a full, healthy season from both Sergei Fedorov and Alexander Semin, as well as the continued growth of Nicklas Backstrom and Mike Green, this team should only improve on their improbable Southeast title last season. Fatal Flaw: The Caps were able to sneak up on just about everyone last season, as defending division champs, they obviously won’t have that luxury this year. It will be interesting to see if the Caps’ wide-open, run-n-gun style will continue to propel them to victory this season (here’s hoping), or if defenses will have found a way to slow them down (please no). What If the Capitals can make a deep run playing fun-to-watch, break-neck paced hockey? Will the Minnesotas and Anaheims go away? Projected finish: 2nd

LMITR Classic Movie Review - Hellbound

Two shout-outs are required to lead into this week’s entry. First, to my friend Christina for introducing me to Pajiba. And second, to Pajiba. Their regular feature “Hangover Theatre” is the inspiration for today’s entry, though I wasn‘t even remotely hung over while watching the movie. The scene: some time in late 1994 or early 1995. I’m 12 years old and horsing around with some friends, an armament of Nerf guns, and unfamiliar surroundings. As always, it adds up to disaster when I crack the back of my head open on the edge of a mantle made of rock. So after a trip to the emergency room (no stitches needed, hurrah!), my friends and my concussed brain decide it’s a good idea to get a movie. We found one called Hellbound. I have always had very strong memories of loving this movie. It’s not just a Chuck Norris classic, to my mind (which was concussed at the time of viewing), it’s THE Chuck Norris classic. My one great hope from all the “Chuck Norris Facts” and the ensuing resurrection of his popularity is that this classic piece of cinema would finally get a DVD release. A recent trip to a local cd shop answered my prayers when I found a Chuck Norris Triple Feature DVD featuring Hellbound. Now, finally, more than 13 years after the original viewing, it‘s time for a repeat viewing. This is Hellbound. OK, holy crap. That is one bad movie. I won’t even get into a full review here because I actually turned the movie off. Instead, I recommend you head out to your local film festival (Toronto and Calgary are both on now) and see something you normally wouldn’t. There’s no way it will be as bad as Hellbound.

Nickels For Your Nightmares

I received something tremendously helpful in the mail this week. In fact, I received two of these somethings, and I’d like to tell you all about it. I consider myself a fairly charitable person. I’ve never had a lot of money to donate to the causes I support, but I always have time and energy to devote to those causes-- with the intention of convincing people that do have money to cough it up. But, no more! You see, on consecutive days this week, I received information from charitable organizations in the mail. The mailers informed me that for just a nickel, I could make a difference. First, on Tuesday, an envelope from UNICEF telling me “a nickel could save a child’s life” Wednesday I was asked “can a nickel really help end MS?” Included in the UNICEF envelope was a two-page letter describing the work UNICEF does (all very commendable), a postage-paid return envelope (presumably for my donation cheque), three dozen very lovely, full-colour, personalized address labels, and a nickel. Yes, perhaps even the very nickel that could save a child’s life. From the letter, “Every nickel counts.” A proclamation the fine folks at UNICEF found important enough to not only italicize, but also underline and include as a post-script. Now, apparently prepared for jackasses like me to receive these envelopes with nickels and opportunities to save lives, they’ve even included another piece of paper detailing the fact their campaign is supposedly more successful when they send an actual nickel than when they just send $1.25 worth of paper and stickers. Furthermore, the nickel was a brand new 2008 nickel, which leads me to believe UNICEF even has some kind of deal worked out with the Royal Canadian Mint to get first crack at the new nickels. I can’t imagine those sorts of deals come for free. The MS Society, they at least used a little less paper (actually, a lot less), but the whole sheet of paper is a roll of stickers. They sent 90 return address stickers to me-- featuring exotic birds, don’t cha know. And, of course, a nickel. Again, a brand new 2008 nickel, with a giant thumb print, and upside down on the page. UNICEF may have wasted more money sending this junk to me, but at least their nickel was facing the right way. I understand these great causes need all the support they can get, and lord knows I’d rather have a mailbox full of this crap than to have to watch those oh-so-depressing commercials. But there has got to be a better way than actually sending nickels to people. All getting a nickel from these organizations did for me was to piss me off. And now I’ve decided they must actually be pretty well-off if they’re sending nickels all over the country. Let’s say they mail this junk to just 10,000 Canadians. According to the literature, that $500 could practically pay for a whole air-drop worth of medical supplies, or pay for a MS-patient’s caregiver for a week. So now who’s the jackass? Me for shitting all over these charities’ ridiculous campaigns? Or these charities for wasting money that other hard-working Canadians have donated? Image source: right here on Blogger

The Only Thing More Fun Than 2 Girls 1 Cup

This Wednesday, the first beams of energy are scheduled to be sent through the Large Hadron Collider far below the French-Swiss border. What is the Large Hadron Collider? It’s a particle accelerator-- which really is just what it sounds like. It also happens to be the biggest, highest-energy particle accelerator ever built. They’re going to turn this machine on, fire particle beams through it, and see what happens. Some time around October 21, they’re going to start launching these beams toward one another-- as the “Collider“ part of the name suggests. Responsible people in the scientific community admit this little experiment could lead to the end of the world-- no matter how incredibly unlikely. Less responsible types actually guarantee it. Some folks even tried to have a legal injunction shut the LHC down. Particle accelerators have been around since the 1930s without killing us all, and there’s no real reason to think this one will be any different. Except for this. While Hadron colliders have been around since the 1970s, this one is, again, the most powerful one ever built. By about seven times. Which frankly, sounds just a little unnerving. But it’s hard to get a true read on how unnerving it should be, and what the possible consequences of turning on the LHC this week. So much of the information available is laden with hyperbole and exaggeration that it’s almost impossible to know what to believe. The Loudest Man in the Room is here to sort it out for you. Don’t believe any of it. Let’s put it this way, I’m a lot more afraid of the leftover fries I ate today than I am of the LHC. Wednesday will pass, and many scientists will slap each others’ backs and congratulate one another for their glorious experiment (which it is). And October 21 will also come to pass with nary a hint of the apocalypse. Now, all that isn’t to say it’s not fun to get people worked up about this thing. I’ve spent the last few days having a lot of fun scaring people out of their wits with this thing. But please. We’re going to be fine. Probably.

I sure as hell don't trust 'em

Right, so this is a couple of days overdue, and I’m sorry for that. My head was in a little place I like to call the Labour Day clouds over the weekend. So let’s get down to business.

Raise your hand if you can honestly say you’ve changed your hair style three times in the last four years.

Alcoholic beverage of choice? Shampoo? Bought three cds or books? Rode the bus? Moved? Seen a genuinely good movie?

Called a federal election?

That’s right folks, we’re headed there again. October 14 looks to be the day. And frankly, the timing couldn’t be better. We’re doing everything we can in this country to limit inflation and avoid a recession, so naturally, the best next step to take is to call an election and potentially change governments again (as an overly-dramatic example, let’s see how well Zimbabwe’s economy is faring with political unrest). Lovely. And in all likelihood, we’ll wrangle ourselves another minority government that can’t actually do any real governing.

And the cost to the taxpayer? Election rules state the parties can spend a maximum of $18 million and change on their campaigns. So let’s say the Conservatives and Liberals each spend to the max, while the NDP, Green Party, and the independents combine to spend to the max. How many doctors and nurses could we hire with $54 million? Police officers? Teachers? How many MRI machines? How many schools could keep their art or music programs with $54 million?

Shoot, $54 million probably even goes a long way in buying bullshit Kyoto Accord environmental credits.

The point, as it was in 2006, is that as great as this country is, and as well-off as most Canadians really are, we have a long way to go before every person in this country has a proper education and enough food in the belly. And until we get there, we should stop throwing $50 million away every other year in federal elections.

Image stolen from www.istockphoto.com