Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (Or, Welcome to the new blog)

Well, there’s only one way to kick this new blog off right: ol’ fashioned fear mongering!

This week’s government-sanctioned reason to run for the hills: tomatoes. That’s right, you say tomato, I say tomahto, The Simpsons say tomacco, and the United State Food and Drug Administration says little red ball of death (or at least little red ball of diarrhea, fever, vomiting or abdominal pain).

The FDA is trying their best to determine the source of the killer tomatoes, but they are fairly certain laid-back Canada and the Netherlands are not the source. Israel, where I’d never have guessed tomatoes grow, is also not considered among the suspects. Colonel Mustard, Guatemala and the Dominican Republic, as well as a hanful of US states also have strong alibis.

So why oh why has my local Wendy’s stopped serving tomatoes on their sandwiches? Have you ever had a Classic Single without tomato? It’s disgusting. Not to be out-done, the Tim Hortons closest to my office has also fallen in line, reducing their ham and Swiss sandwich to a half-pound of balled ham, dry processed Swiss cheese, listless lettuce and a wonderful ranch dressing. Now, a sandwich’s thirst-quenching abilities is the last thing on my mind when I order one, that’s what rum and Gatorade is for, but surely a sandwich need not be as dry as a bag of cement.

Furthermore, if the FDA is so worried about foods that can cause diarrhea, vomiting or abdominal pain, why the hell are places like McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Taco Bell allowed to operate? Yeah, that was an obvious joke, what of it?

The guilty parties are red plum tomatoes, red round tomatoes (maybe I’m over-simplifying, but aren’t all tomatoes red and round?), and in a fantastic twist of fate, red Roma tomatoes. According to the Internet, Roma tomatoes were engineered to be a firmer, more disease-resistant tomato.

So what to make of all this? Damned if I know, but know this: the killer tomatoes are not Canadian. Additionally, executives from Blockbuster and Netflix were not available to comment on the sudden increase in rentals of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

If your tomato was grown in Canada, it’s fine. If Wendy’s or Tim Hortons or Taco Bell or heaven-help-you Burger King, or your own damn mother won’t give you a Canadian tomato, they’re just trying to deny you some joy (or get a head start on their Grey Cup chili).

Frankly, I’m much more worried about the strangulation danger these blinds may pose.

Lastly, anyone interested in seeing the best photo caption associated with the salmonella warning should look here.

Image stolen from here.