Loudest DVD review

So my cable’s been screwed for weeks. But that’s not what this is about. See, that’s just how I lead into the way this here entry came about. See while my cable’s been screwed, it seems the only times I’ve been able to see a clear picture or enjoy clear audio are the times an ad for this Smart People movie shows up. So I think about it. I figure, I like Dennis Quaid. He was brilliant as the oaf president in American Dreamz; his brother was brilliant in Independence Day; and uh... well his film resume isn’t littered with offensive crap. Thomas Haden Church was good in Ned and Stacey, and while I’m not certain he’s appeared in anything since, he’s also on that inoffensive list. And they’re both pretty funny. So if nothing else, we’re looking at serious potential for high comedy. I even overlooked two critical facts. First, since Ellen Page is on the movie, I would look like one of those creepy, dirty old men that like women that look like 11-year old boys. And second, the creepiest and most overbearingly unattractive person in all of Hollywood, Sarah Jessica Parker, would be “gracing” my tv screen, and haunting my dreams. Seriously, if this woman were cursorily attractive, men would have watched Sex & the City. But I digress. Again, despite the impending nightmares, and potential to be locked up like I have the nude Miley Cyrus photos, I gave the movie a try. About 20 minutes in, Ellen Page takes her dead mother’s clothes to the local Goodwill without her dad’s knowledge. The next scene we see is Dennis Quaid buying back all of his dead wife’s clothes. Amazingly, that’s not even the saddest part of this movie. It actually gets worse. And more grating. And so full of bad indie music that’s trying to sound like The Pretenders, just to avoid using a song anyone’s ever heard. And somewhere in all this jailbait, bad music, and horse-faced romance, we’re supposed to believe this insufferable prick played by Quaid—the kind of asshole that writes a book called You Can’t Read—transforms into this loving, caring, cuddly and happy guy. Wow. Pretentious doesn’t even begin to describe this piece of crap. Avoid this movie at all costs.